10 Things you need to know about my menopause!

Source: Grown-up Guide to Midlife – HOT! (2019/2020)

Written by Melanie Farrell & Suzy Brokensha

1. I’m not broken so don’t try to fix me

‘The main thing everyone needs to remember about menopause is that it is not an illness,’ says clinical sexologist Dr Marlene Wasserman (Dr Eve). ‘It’s a change of life, into one of more emotional freedom and wisdom. Women feel less submissive, they’re more confident and clearer about who they are. It’s also a time of empty nesting which requires a time of mourning and adjusting.  And it’s a time of creativity, ambition, new goals and dreams.’ Men often battle when their partners are struggling and are quick to leap into action with “fix it” suggestions. We appreciate your concern, but menopause eludes “fixing”. It’s a natural part of life and the aging process.

How you can help: Listen! ‘My advise to partners is learn about menopause, read up on it and listen when your partner explains what she’s going through,’ psychologist Kate Rogers says. ‘Your empathy and interest will go a long way to helping her feel supported.’

2. I can go from happy to total bitch in seconds

But obviously it’s always justified and I’m always right.  ‘Menopause is a hormonal change and every organ, including the brain, changes,’ explains Dr Eve.  “A woman will be symptomatic as she enters perimenopause and menopause; her moods may be erratic.”

How you can help: Don’t take her erratic behaviour personally:  Menopause mood swings are as scary for her as they are for you.  Be as consistent as you can, and remember, this too shall pass.

3. You may find me lying on the bathroom floor at 3am

The reason for hot flushes aren’t clear but they often occur at night.  And you have NO IDEA just how hot they are – or how sudden, or how little can be done about them.  Those cold, hard tiles on the bathroom floor?  They feel like paradise.  So try not to step on my hair on the way to the loo, and kindly resist the urge to ask stupid questions like “why are you lying on the bathroom floor?”

How you can help:  If your sleeping through all of this, at least try to do it without looking smug.  If your also awake, then yes, I would love a giant glass of iced water, thank you.  How kind of you to offer.

4. The whole sex thing

Whatever your sex life may have been like before, it’s never going to be the same again.  Your partner might have gone right off it, but she could equally have discovered her inner sex goddess and can’t get enough.  Sometimes both, just not simultaneously.

‘During perimenopause and menopause a woman’s weight will change, her body shape will change… and this may impact negatively on her willingness to be sexual,” says Dr. Eve.  ‘It’s a case of: “I’m not as forgiving of fumbling or lack of imagination because it’s slowly becoming a case of quality over quantity – it has to be worth my time.  Women may very well reassess their sexual goals:  no longer are they willing to tolerate bad sex.’

How you can help: ‘Communicating around these issues is essential because women often feel guilty about being unavailable to their partners sexually, and yet they feel angry if they are pressurised into having sex,’ says Rogers. ‘Coming up with a plan together to address sexual problems as a team can help.’

5. I am craving stuff that is weird even for me

Remember that 3am curry cravings?  Menopause is like that, just with more carbs.  Some women eat healthily for years, then are utterly derailed by menopause and start craving uncharacteristic stuff: long term vegans may nibble on a bit of biltong; unapologetic carnivores can start hunting down lentils in supermarket aisles.  There’s a hormonal reason for all of it, and there’s not much she can do about it.  The cravings aren’t going to last forever.

How you can help: Don’t judge or comment.  Have Vintage India on speed dial.

6. You know how I was never anxious? Well, not any more.

Many women experience acute anxiety during perimenopause and menopause.  No, she isn’t going mad – she’s just worried.  About everything: kids out clubbing, climate change, Eskom, where to hide the new shoes, how to eat carbs without her body finding out, whether she’ll recognise when it’s time to go grey, will cancelling the dinner party again ruin the friendship, is Meghan really as bitchy as they make out…

How you can help: Anxiety is real.  Offer to help.  Listen.  Google Meghan. Make tea. Pour wine. Don’t find the shoes.

7. I have become extremely sentimental…

…And will weep my way through manipulative and ridiculous ads I would have scoffed at before.

Menopause is a time of physical transformation and psychological adjustment and the emotional ups and downs can be as disruptive as the physical ride she’s on.  As hormones taper off, women may feel depressed and lack energy. Although there are obvious advantages to no longer having periods, it’s also an emotionally charged time:  she’s saying goodbye to something that’s been a huge part of her life, and in a society that values youth above all else, she’s symbolically saying goodbye to that too.  For women for haven’t had children, menopause signals that the opportunity for conceiving a child naturally is gone.  And mothers typically find menopause coincides with their kids leaving.   That’s a lot of loss to deal with.

How you can help: Share! Talk about your own emotions associated with getting older and the kids leaving – you’re in this together. And since it’s just going to be the two of you from now on, you need to help each other fall in love with each other again. Seriously, it doesn’t just happen. Work on it.

8. Who am I even

We keep emphasising this, but all this change is a lot for her to deal with.  Women who have been very clear about who they are suddenly find they’re behaving completely differently – which can look quite irrational from the outside, but is also terrifying on the inside.

Menopause is a time, for example, when women who have been career-driven can suddenly lose interest and switch careers 180 degrees, or even opt to stop working if they can.  Equally they can shift from being maternal and home based to self-directed and go-getting.  It’s a proper disruption to the status quo and can be difficult in a relationship if you have long relied on your partner being a certain way.

How you can help: Roll with the punches. She isn’t a different person – she’s just discovering a different part of herself. Don’t say, ‘but you never used to…’ – accept that things are in flux and will be for a while. Stay calm.  No sudden moves – it’s easier if only one of you are erratic at a time.

9. I can’t think straight any more/I don’t look like me anymore

Foggy brain is not a nice thing to deal with. Maybe you’ve experienced an awful hangover, when you battle to string a simple sentence together?  It’s like that.  And looking in the mirror and not recognising yourself, or no longer fitting into your clothes, is not easy either.  What happens in menopause – often temporarily – lose whatever currency they have used in their lives: if a woman has relied on her looks, they start to change; if she’s relied on the sharpness of her brain, she battles to find words and concepts.  It’s a period of transition, and it will pass, but she will feel as if she is losing the ground beneath her feet.

How you can help: Never acknowledge it unless she does first, then talk about it and reassure her it will pass, because it will.  Postmenopausal women often speak of a surge of energy, power, and clarity they experience. Remind her of that (and yourself). Hang in there – things are going to get way better!

10. I need to sleep – sooooooooo, soooooo much!

Usually she falls asleep quite easily, but the sleep will be light, and she’ll wake up frequently during the night either to wee or worry. Often she won’t be able to drop off to sleep again, and this is a real issue. Some things that may help are calcium and magnesium supplements, herbal teas, sleep hygiene – no late night blue screens, caffeine or other stimulants, and Youfemism (of course).

How you can help: Don’t huff and puff and sigh loudly as she tosses and turns. Put in your earplugs, don your eye mask and let her get on with what she needs to do. Make (herbal) tea if you wake up. Let her warm her cold feet behind your knees.  Understand her exhaustion the following day.